Studying nothing

This is essentially an existential blog for my own edification. It is the start of the end. I am middle aged now, and life's intent is that I dissolve gradually or suddenly into nothing. If I can beat death and dissolve before the physical body dies, then great-otherwise, well it's all been a trip. Probably doesn't matter either way.

I have been practicing Zen, or rather it has been practicing me, for about ten years. I have had a love, hate relationship with it. I have not found a Zen teacher I feel a real rapport with even though I have studied a number of good teachers. Elizabeth Hamilton was the first, followed by Paul Haller, Mark Lancaster and briefly Genpo of the Big Mind fame. Genpo is a brilliant teacher but he is crooked-Suzuki Roshi was the crooked cucumber, Genpo is the crooked penis. I also did a smattering of other non-dual work including Adyashanti (good guy but stuck on the absolute. Outgrew him after one retreat), Wayne Liquorman. I usually like spiritual straight shooters-at least they don't dress the teaching in some feel good love ikky stuff, and they tend to be honest and straight forward. Wayne on the other hand claims that enlightenment is very rare and, of course, only he has attained it and it makes him feel good to explain it to the "rest of us" and put our miserable existences at ease. Biggest pompous arse I ever met. Read here for more in depth criticism.

The odd thing about me is that I am intellectually driven, and most of the people hanging out at Zen centers and such are emotionally driven. I am full of doubt, most people are full of faith. Maybe it's the same. One good thing that came out of Genpo is that I spent three years doing voice dialogue with a very good therapist in Marin. I had some of my best "spiritual" experiences on the chair rather than in the Zendo. I would study with Genpo if I enjoyed receiving spiritual anal sex.

The most recent teacher is the vipassana teacher Shinzen Young. I have not met him personally yet but I have heard almost all his talks and did many phone based retreats with him. He seems to integrate scientific thinking with mysticism and has, to a certain extent, put my anxieties about my intellectual life at ease. I always felt disconcerted by the Zen disparagement of the intellectual side of life- Zen appears to be at war with modern science. Shinzen takes the opposite approach and tries to integrate. We will see if this is a good path for me. His methods allowed me to sit through a three week Zen intensive with ease.

Ultimately there is the great Koan: is it better to spend your life investigating the self, or to spend it as a descent human being? The first is meaningless without action, the other has no ground to stand on.


May the failure be complete...